either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
