I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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