So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
