I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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