My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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