I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
