Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
