There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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