I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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