i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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