oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
