At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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