Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
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so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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