Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
