Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
