just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
