kristin has been a bad kristin
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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