God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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