I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
