you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
