Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
