you win again, gameday.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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