yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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