I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
