I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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