I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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