Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
