i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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