she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
being pregnant is like rehab
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
