Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
