final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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