i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
