I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
