how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
