moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize