she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
