I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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