I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
