11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
