If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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