it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
