My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
