just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
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You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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