Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
