Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
