Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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