We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
