I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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