i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
