Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
