shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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