I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
