You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
