guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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