I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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