i jhust puked up my retainher.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
