Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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