Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
