There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
